From: CloningEwe@aol.com
Date: Tue Aug 24 1999 - 18:17:29 MDT
The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived. Yes, it is the 1999
Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware
of the Darwin Awards. These awards are given annually (and posthumously)
to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by
removing themselves from it.
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to
remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a
pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive
equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and
retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet
away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the
window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed
stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While
walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving
bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom,
and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more
traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to
death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer
at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the
dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
#4 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the
Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if
it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the
25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians
getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
#5 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied
a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large
rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried
to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol.
The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him
Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden
dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was
dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a
hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
#6 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit
a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the
fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his
terminally stupid choices as listed below:
The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion
of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in
public places.
To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door. An officer in uniform was standing next to
the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the
officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild
shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him
from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but
didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman
Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive
microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm
next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a
safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal
Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier
infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a
restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the
microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could
stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter
temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same
way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift,
Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair,
which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam.
Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power
planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday
long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the
daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for
a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise.
Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished
beers had exploded.
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