From: Larry Klaes (lklaes@bbn.com)
Date: Tue Jul 27 1999 - 13:23:56 MDT
>From: "Farr, Mary" <MFARR@PARTNERS.ORG>
>To: "Shapiro, Laurie" <Shapiro@etherdome.mgh.harvard.edu>,
> "'Schwartz, Richard'" <richard.schwartz2@pss.boeing.com>,
> "'Klaes, Larry'" <lklaes@bbn.com>
>Subject: FW: A Whimsical Brief History of Time
>Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 15:19:37 -0400
>X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2580.0)
>
>
>
>> >
>> > A Whimsical Brief History of Time
>> >
>> > 3050 B.C.- A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the
>> > week, the idea
>> > is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby
>> > establishing the
>> > business ethic for all times.
>> >
>> > 2900 B.C.-Wondering why the Egyptians call that new
>> > thing a Sphinx
>> > becomes the first of the world's Seven Great
>> > Wonders.
>> >
>> > 1850 B.C.-Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a
>> > success. They've finally
>> > gotten those boulders arrange in a sufficiently
>> > meaningless pattern to
>> > confuse the
>> > hell out of scientists for centuries.
>> >
>> > 1785 B.C.-The first calendar, composed of a year
>> > with 354 days, is
>> > introduced by Babylonian scientists.
>> >
>> > 1768 B.C.-Babylonians realize something is wrong
>> > when winter begins in June.
>> >
>> >
>> > 1776 B.C.-The world's first known money appears in
>> > Persia, immediately
>> > causing the world's first known counterfeiter to
>> > appear in Persia the next
>> > day.
>> >
>> > 525 B.C.-The first Olympics are held, and prove
>> > similar to
>> > the modern games, except that the Russians don't try
>> > to enter a
>> > six-footer with a mustache in the women's shot put.
>> > However, the
>> > Egyptians do.
>> >
>> > 410 B.C.-Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors
>> > into slavery, thus
>> > removing the biggest single obstacle to the
>> > development of the credit card.
>> >
>> > 404 B.C.-The Peloponnesian war has been going on for
>> > 27 years now
>> > because neither side can find a treaty writer who
>> > knows how to spell
>> > Peloponnesian.
>> >
>> > 214 B.C.-Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a
>> > generation to build the
>> > 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all
>> > that, it still doesn't
>> > keep the neighbor's dog out.
>> >
>> > 1 B.C.-Calendar manufacturers find themselves in
>> > total disagreement over
>> > what to call next year.
>> >
>> > 79 A.D.- Buying property in Pompeii turns out to
>> > have been a lousy real
>> > estate investment.
>> >
>> > 432- St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland,
>> > thereby giving the
>> > natives something interesting to fight about for the
>> > rest of their recorded
>> > history.
>> >
>> > 1000-Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides
>> > it's not worth
>> > mentioning.
>> >
>> > 1043-Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating
>> > against high taxes that
>> > immediately makes everyone forget what she is
>> > demonstrating against.
>> >
>> > 1125-Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe,
>> > enabling peasants to
>> > solve the most baffling problem that confronts them:
>> > How much tax do
>> > you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI
>> > percent bracket?
>> >
>> > 1233-The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill
>> > anyone who disagrees
>> > with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is
>> > so un-Christian
>> > that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
>> >
>> > 1297-The world's first stock exchange opens, but no
>> > one has the foresight
>> > to buy IBM or Xerox.
>> >
>> > 1433- Portugal launches the African slave trade,
>> > which just proves what a
>> > small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of
>> > ingenuity and a whole
>> > lot of evil!
>> >
>> > 1456-An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and
>> > cancels her death
>> > sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to
>> > death in 1431.
>> >
>> > 1492- Columbus proves how lost he really is by
>> > landing in the Bahamas,
>> > naming the place San Salvador, and calling the
>> > people who live there
>> > Indians.
>> >
>> > 1497-Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th
>> > explorer to become the new
>> > world, but the first to think of naming it in honor
>> > of himself.. ...the
>> > United States of Vespuccia.
>> >
>> > 1508-Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the
>> > ceiling of the Sistine
>> > Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
>> >
>> > 1513-Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of
>> > youth, but dies of old
>> > age trying to remember where it was he found it.
>> >
>> > 1522-Scientists, who know the world is flat,
>> > conclude that Magellan made it
>> > all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
>> >
>> > 1568-Saddened over the slander of his good name,
>> > Ivan the Terrible kills
>> > another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling
>> > him Ivan the Terrible.
>> >
>> > 1607-The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first
>> > European tourist to
>> > visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
>> >
>> > 1618-Future Generations are doomed as the English
>> > execute Sir Walter
>> > Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
>> >
>> > 1642-Nine students receive the first Bachelor of
>> > Arts degrees conferred in
>> > America, and immediately discover there are no jobs
>> > open for a kid with a
>> > liberal arts
>> > education.
>> >
>> > 1670-The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches
>> > to observe the golden
>> > anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
>> >
>> > 1755-Samuel Johnson issues the first English
>> > Dictionary, at last
>> > providing young children with a book they can look
>> > up dirty words in.
>> >
>> > 1758- New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's
>> > first Indian
>> > reservation, which should give Indians an idea of
>> > the kind of shabby living
>> > conditions they can expect from here on out.
>> >
>> > 1763-The French and Indian War ends. The French and
>> > Indians both lost.
>> >
>> > 1770-The shooting of three people in the Boston
>> > Massacre touches off the
>> > Revolution. 200 years later, three shootings in
>> > Boston will be considered
>> > just about average for a Saturday night.
>> >
>> > 1773-Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British
>> > call the act
>> > "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.
>> >
>> > 1776-Napoleon decides to maintain a position of
>> > neutrality in the American
>> > Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years
>> > old.
>> >
>> > 1779-John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have
>> > just begun to fight!"and
>> > then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that
>> > his ship is sinking.
>> >
>> > 1793- "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous
>> > thing Marie Antoinette
>> > ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever
>> > said. Also, the last
>> > thing she ever said.
>> >
>> > 1799-Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally
>> > enables scholars to learn
>> > that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything
>> > important. "Dear Ramses, How
>> > are you? I am fine."
>> >
>> > 1805-Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
>> >
>> > 1807-Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has
>> > something to blow up
>> > with his torpedo.
>> >
>> > 1815-Post Office policy is established as Andrew
>> > Jackson wins the Battle of
>> > New Orleans a month after he should have received
>> > the letter telling him
>> > the War of 1812 is over.
>> >
>> > 1840-William Henry Harrison is elected president in
>> > a landslide, proving
>> > that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too"
>> > is so meaningless that
>> > very
>> > few can disagree with it.
>> >
>> > 1850-Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than
>> > president," which gets
>> > quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for
>> > president five times
>> > without winning.
>> >
>> > 1859- Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species".
>> > It has the same
>> > general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to
>> > gross as much money.
>> >
>> > 1865-Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of
>> > the war: getting
>> > General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's
>> > surrender.
>> >
>> > 1894-Thomas Edison displays the first motion
>> > picture, and everybody likes
>> > it except the movie critics.
>> >
>> > 1903- The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway
>> > enables passengers from
>> > Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is
>> > a lot sooner than
>> > most of them want to get there.
>> >
>> > 1910- The founding of the Boy Scouts of America
>> > comes as bad news to old
>> > ladies who would rather cross the street by
>> > themselves.
>> >
>> > 1911-Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and
>> > confirms what he's
>> > suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the
>> > North Pole!
>> >
>> > 1912-People with reservations for the voyage of the
>> > Titanic get their money
>> > back.
>> >
>> > 1920-The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes
>> > drinking illegal in
>> > the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40
>> > million who don't stop.
>> >
>> > 1924-Hitler is released from prison four years
>> > early, after convincing the
>> > parole board that he is a changed man who won't
>> > cause any more trouble.
>> >
>> > 1928- Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every
>> > pot and a car in every
>> > garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans
>> > will soon be without
>> > pots and garages.
>> >
>> > 1930- Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the
>> > planet. The dog was discovered a lot earlier. {N.B.
>> > And the guy who
>> > discovered the planet was from Burdett, KS; there's
>> > a historical marker
>> > there which notes the fact.}
>> >
>> > 1933- German housewives begin to realize why that
>> > crazy wallpaper hanger
>> > with the mustache never came back to finish his
>> > work.
>> >
>> > 1933-Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and
>> > announces that it will last
>> > for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only
>> > 988 years off.
>> >
>> > 1934-John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he
>> > leaves a Chicago movie
>> > theater. And just to make the evening a complete
>> > washout, he didn't
>> > enjoy the movie either.
>> >
>> > 1934-As if the Great Depression weren't giving
>> > businessmen enough
>> > headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
>> >
>> > 1938-Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty,
>> > thereby averting all
>> > possibility of WWII.
>> >
>> > 1944-Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans
>> > as soon as they've won
>> > the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive
>> > as he had hoped.
>> >
>> > 1945-1999 Very boring....US invades Grenada, Panama,
>> > Iraq, Kosovo,
>> > ....Microsoft, Monica, Diet Coke, Hula Hoop,
>> > International House of
>> > Pancakes, Moonies. Moon Landing, Moon Pies, War on
>> > Drugs and Sex, Nixon,
>> > Carter, Johnson, Gerald Somebody, Clinton, Disney
>> > World, Y2K, then year
>> > 2000 the world ends, or The Force will save the
>> > whales.
>> >
>> > Question?
>> > Why is it that all of the instruments seeking
>> > intelligent life in the universe
>> > are pointed away from earth?
>> >
>> >
>> >
>>
>> _________________________________________________________
>> Do You Yahoo!?
>> Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
>
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.1.5 : Fri Nov 01 2002 - 15:04:35 MST