From: Spike Jones (spike66@attglobal.net)
Date: Tue Dec 25 2001 - 00:40:08 MST
Please if you are one who is easily offended by
blammisphy and silliness, do hit the delete key immediately.
I have been pre-forgiven by several off-list posters.
The life and career of Jesus Christ is generally well
known, but this canardic screed is meant to clear up
a few historical misunderstandings on the twin
brother of Jesus, the far more obscure character,
Hoerkheimer Christ.
As Jesus began his ministry, Hoerkheimer attempted
to create his own following, in order to take in some of
that gold, frankencense and myrrh, especially gold. But
it never really took off. In a blatant example of violation of
intellectual property rights, Hoerkheimer stole the hymns
that were being used by his Jesus’ followers, shamelessly
inserting his own name in place of that of his brother.
The modified hymns generally failed to catch on however,
for unknown reasons.
Hoerkheimer learned early in life that whenever he was with
Jesus, people would show up bringing gold, frankincense
and myrrh, for no apparent reason. After the initial wise
guys left, Hoerkheimer soon ended up with all the gold.
The boys rolled and smoked the frankincense as teenagers,
but the myrrh would not burn. They never did figure out
exactly what it was, or what it was for, or why a wise guy
would actually give it as a gift. Perhaps it was analogous
to our modern fruitcake, another curious and useless
material that has never been chemically identified.
We do know from various historical reports that myrrh was
often discussed in the Christ household as the brothers were
growing up. Religious historians believe it was some sort
of a game, perhaps started simply because they liked
saying the word “myrrh.” In the Christ Brother’s Carpentry
and Woodworking shop, the discussion would often start as:
“Hoerkheimer, hast thou seen the myrrh?”
“Nay, for I hath not seen the myrrh.”
“Art thou certain, for the myrrh hath disappeared.”
“Jesus Christ, thou twit! Verily I hath not taken away the myrrh!”
“Well, myrrh myrrrrh myrrrrrrrrh!”
Soon the droogies and other workers in the shop, and even
the customers would join, exclaiming myrrh, myrrrrh, with various
silly voices. Passers-by became quite puzzled at this.
Although we now know that frankincense is actually
cense that has been genetically engineered via DNA modification,
modern biblical scholars still have not the foggiest notion
what myrrh is. A field of science is dedicated to unraveling
this biblical mystery, commonly known as myrrhmecology.
I would suggest adding the term “myrrh” to the extropian
terms and definitions list, except of course none of us have
a clue what that definition actually is. But I digress. (I have a
condition identified by psychiatrists as digressive-repulsive
behavior. Since this is a disease, with an actual name, I
therefor am handicapped. My fond hope is to some day own
enough money to be considered eccentric, instead of merely
cracked.)
Although Jesus was thought to be sinless, he had a
wicked sense of humor. The Christ brothers would
often switch clothing in order to play gags on the dedicated
followers. Whenever Jesus needed a break from
the savior business, Hoerkheimer would often stand in for
a time. This worked out fine, except that they were
doing this switcheroo trick when the Roman soldiers
showed up, resulting in Hoerkheimer being accidentally
executed. When Jesus turned up alive three days later,
an enormous misunderstanding ensued, the historical
consequences of which have repercussions to this day.
Jesus tried to cover his tracks and save the reputation
of Mary's sister Martha, and the whole story became
quite tangled.
This too begs an explanation. It is often said that the
New Testament is very puzzling in that the words of
Jesus often sound as if spoken by two different persons.
The fact is the words actually were spoken by two different
persons, thus explaining such curious juxtapositions
as John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, my peace I
give unto you,” (Jesus, for sure) and Matthew 10:34
“Think not that I am come to send peace on earth:
I came not to send peace, but a sword,” (pure Hoerkheimer).
It is a well known fact that Jesus was actually a very
gentle, nice guy, but that Hoerkheimer Christ was a
son of a bitch.
That two siblings should be so similar in appearance
yet so different in character should come as no surprise,
as illustrated by our own Newstrom brothers, Harvey
and Louis. Today we even have a specific term for
such situations: “evil twin.” Amara Graps and I are
each others evil twins. So similar are we in appearance
that we are indistinguishable even by our friends and closest
parents. At Extro5 we switched places several times, and
no one even noticed. But I digress.
The sermon on the mount was classic Jesus. But that
little overturning of the moneychangers tables incident
in Matthew 21:12 was pure Hoerkheimer. He had been
smoking frankincense, and his judgment was compromised.
That whole money-changers tables caper in fact eventually
led to the hapless Hoerkheimer’s untimely demise. When the
Roman authorities came to arrest Jesus, the actual charge was
failure to pay liquor taxes on that wine that he had made
from water at the wedding in Cana nearly four years
previously (John 2:7). He failed to mention that value-
added miracle on his tax return, even though there was
clearly profit expected in the creation of wine from water.
Then as now, you don't mess with the IRS. Also then
as now, the wheels of government grind slow, but they
grind fine.
While Jesus was out of town (and Martha Magdalena
was also conspicuously absent) Hoerkheimer was
mistaken for his brother and hauled before the magistrates.
The authorities gave him a mock trial, again in an eerily
familiar precedent to the way the IRS works today. They
were content to let him go with the 39 lashes from the
cat-o-nine-tails, confiscation of the carpentry shop and
all his other worldly goods, but the crowd insisted upon
his crucifixion. They recognized Hoerkheimer as the
bastard who had dumped their money changing tables
at the temple, and they were still highly incensed about
that whole incident. At their insistence Hoerkheimer
was slain.
Peter was in on the plan for letting Jesus have a few
days off. This explains his comment when Hoerkheimer
was being led away, in Matthew 26:74, “Then he [Peter]
began to curse and swear, saying I know not the man.”
I trust you grok what they mean in the bible when they
use the term “know,” in that gentle, delicate 17th century
English way of speaking. Consider Genesis 4:1, “and
Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived.”
When the crucifixion of Hoerkheimer Christ was taking
place, his last words were also misunderstood by the
reporters, perhaps because of his southern accent. Recall
that the Christ brothers were from Nazareth, which is in
the south of Galilee. Thus the accent alluded to in Matthew
26:73 “...thy speech betrayeth thee...” We recognize that
all the great preachers have southern accents. Jimmy
Swaggart. Billy Graham. Martin Luther King, Jim and
Tammy Bakker, Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson,
all of the biggie Christian preachers with high standing in the
church speak earnest southern. Today if a minister wants
to go anywhere at all, he must manufacture a southern accent
even if he is not actually from the south. An example is
Reverend Lovejoy from the Simpsons, who was actually
born in Springfield. So this southern accent tradition goes
all the way back to the boss, who had the old Nazareth-in-
the-south-of-Galilee going for him. As did his brother
Hoerkheimer, of course.
As he was perishing upon the cross at the hands of the
Romans, Mark 15:34 reports that Hoerkheimer was
heard to say “My god my god, why hast thou forsaken me?”
translated from the words “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani.”
He actually said “Oy vey, Y’all, thou done got the wrong guy!”
The two phrases do sound a lot alike.
I hope I have cleared up a few misunderstandings. My
sincerest hope is that on this Newtonmass eve, each of
you find in the bible the truth that you seek, such as what
in the hell is myrrh.
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