From: J. R. Molloy (jr@shasta.com)
Date: Thu Jul 06 2000 - 22:15:02 MDT
zeb haradon wrote,
>I have a friend who was in a near-fatal motorcycle accident and had a NDE on
>the road, and later in the hospital. She says she is no longer afraid of
>dying. She also descibres a ghost who followed her throughout her house for
>a few months when she was 16. She gave a physical description of the ghost
>as a ashen faced 40ish man, wearing a Frank Sinatra type hat (I know there
>is a name for that). It sounded to me like she was describing William
>Burroughs. I showed her a picture of him and she was startled by the
>resemblance. I know of at least 4 other people who have described a "ghost"
>of the exact same appearance (all of them live in Utah). I have no
>insightful comment on this, I just thought it was interesting. I personally
>do not believe they were actually being trailed by a sentient entity.
I know you were wondering where I have been...alas, the wait is no longer.
I had a near death experience last month. Actually, technically it was a death
experience. I stopped breathing and passed out. Let me tell you. I must be
one screwed up dude. Most people see a bright light and have a very peaceful
experience on there way up to heaven... Not me. First of all, there was no
white light. Second of all, instead of seeing god, I found myself in hell and
met the devil himself. Satan is actually a pretty nice dude, and quite funny I
might add. It was no dream, it was so sooo real.
You will be quite pleased to know that I have negotiated an express check-in for
all Extropy subscribers for when the time is ripe. (He said that just
being an Extropy subscriber did not qualify in itself for entry, and
urged those of you who are not Extropy subscribers, to try it out and
he will at least consider letting you in). I got there during orientation and
was fascinated.
All right then...Hello, nice to see you all again. In case you haven't noticed,
and to many of your's surprise ... you are now, in hell. I am the Devil, but
you can call me Spike if you like. We like to keep things a bit informal here,
as well as infernal. That's just a little joke.
Welcome all. We have a saying for all newcomers. Yesterday, was the last day of
the rest of your life.
Now, you are all here for... eternity, which I hardly need to tell you, is sort
of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end. But for
now, I'm going to have to split you up into groups.
Before we move on, are there any questions???
.
.
.
No, although there is a resemblance, this is not Los Angeles.
Any More? ... Yes...
.
.
.
No, I'm afraid that we don't have any toilets here. If you had read your Bible,
you might have seen that it was damnation, WITHOUT relief. So if you didn't go
before you came, I am afraid you are not going to enjoy yourselves very much.
Of course, I believe that's the idea. Oh yes, I do have one bit of good
news for you ... that we have finally been able to put an end to all your junk
e-mail.
Any other Questions?
No, we're not splitting you into smokers and non smokers...This isn't
Spago's
.
.
.
No, I'm afraid not. Although when you were alive, life was the most precious
thing that you had, you can see that it has absolutely zero trade in value.
Yes...You there with the angel wings and the pretty badly beaten body??? No,
it is no mistake. God sent you to me because you dissed him pretty bad. That was
no time to say "Putz, now you give me the wings. You couldn't have given me them
before the bungee-jumping accident?"
Right then, lets split you up then. Can you all hear me? Can you hear me at the
rack? Allright.
Murderers over here. Thank you.
Looters and pillagers over there. Thieves, if you could join them ...and
Lawyers.
Fornicators...if you could step forward. Holy smoke, there are a lot of you. If
I
could just split you into groups...Adulterers , and the rest. Adulterers...If
you could form a line behind that teeny guillotine.
Masturbators...could you give them a hand?
S & M fans. You can take any spot you like. Think of this as your slice of
heaven.
Americans...are you here??? I do apologize, but it seems that God had a bit of a
fight with your founding fathers and damned the entire race in perpetuity. He
sends particular condolences to Mormons, who he
realizes put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles.
The Iranians, I'm afraid can't be with us. Someone has been holding them in
purgatory for a very long time.
Sodomites, could you back up there against the wall.
Athiests...Athiests over here please ... You must be surprised as all hell.
And, hmmm, Christians...Christians, are you here? Ah yes, I'm sorry, but I am
afraid, the Jews were right.
Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and
masseurs, could you just take a pew at the back ... with the Methodists. Now
you're the lot that used to kill whales, is that right? Ah yes, I must remember,
I have some strips to tear off of your bastard hides.
Golfers ...Golfers ...Can you step up and place your balls on the table?
OK, can I have all the husbands who had flatulence problems down wind by those
huge vats of baked beans ... Thank you
Members of the oil Cartel...could you line up behind them please??? Now lets see
if you can control the gas output.
Now all those of you who saw Monty Python's life of Brian ... I'm afraid he
can't take a joke after all.
It seems like we have a special guest with us today. Lorena Bobbit, is with us.
Seems as though she died in a car crash yesterday? My hat's off to the dick that
cut her off!
One more thing. We are trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the
Lord God Almighty, or Harold as I like to call him. Some of you will travel up
and have a decay in heaven...and we will be having some angels down here. Now I
hardly need to tell you that in heaven you will be expected to behave in an
exemplary manner, now, so I hope you do the exact opposite. Tear off their
wings,
and use their halos for frisbee practice.
Well I have to go now, unfortunately, but Beelzebub will show you the ropes ...
and the chains and electrodes.
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