In a message dated 7/6/00 5:39:55 PM Central Daylight Time, altamira@ecpi.com
writes:
> What I found difficult to bear about marriage, and why I bailed even though
> my husband was a wonderful person, was the way in which it made life...how
> can I say this?...predictable? stable? These are things that many people
> WANT in their lives, but I hated the feeling that I couldn't decide on the
> spur of the moment to take off for a weekend in Mexico, and especially I
> hated never being alone. I seem to have a requirement for a certain
minimum
> amount of solitude, but when I tried to go off by myself my husband would
> think I was angry with him--which I soon would be when he kept pressing me
> to be with him.
>
> A lot of this is personal to me, and though it may have something to do
with
> the cultural position of women relative to men, it may have more to do with
> my own greater than usual need for solitude and self-direction. When I
left
> my husband, I resolved never to inflict myself on another man ever again,
> and I've pretty much held to that resolution. Sometimes, though, I wish it
> didn't have to be so.
During some periods of time I travel a lot with my work, and people ask how
that effects my marriage. I always get a laugh by responding that every
relationship has a set number of good days, and you shouldn't use them all up
at one time. Seriously, "negotiating" solitary time is one of the key
aspects of making a long term relationship "work," in my experience.
My wife is a visual artist and she obviously works by herself at that. The
writing part of my work and avocations is also a solitary pursuit. Figuring
out when the other person needs solitary time, and when he or she needs to
spend time together is very important. We've found that sometimes this can
work itself out spontaneously, but most of the time we have to sit down and
spend some time "synching up" our plans and schedules and figuring out what
things we're going to do together and what times we'll be working or playing
alone or with others. Investing time in signaling these needs is pretty
important.
Greg Burch <GBurch1@aol.com>----<gburch@lockeliddell.com>
Attorney ::: Vice President, Extropy Institute ::: Wilderness Guide
http://users.aol.com/gburch1 -or- http://members.aol.com/gburch1
ICQ # 61112550
"We never stop investigating. We are never satisfied that we know
enough to get by. Every question we answer leads on to another
question. This has become the greatest survival trick of our species."
-- Desmond Morris
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