fwd: HUMOR: Improving the English Language
QueeneMUSE@aol.com
Wed, 15 Jan 1997 14:49:57 -0500 (EST)
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
>Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
>efficiency in communications between Government departments.
>European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
>unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
>thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron
>out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a
>committee staff at top level by participating nations.
>In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
>instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
>resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
>sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
>konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made
>with one less letter.
>There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
announsed
>that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make
>words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.
>In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to
>reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments
>would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a
>deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of
silent
>'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu
>to read and writ as though nothing had hapend.
>By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be
>reseptiv to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion
>of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly
>after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'.
>Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
>Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
>riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
>evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt
vud
>finali hav kum tru.