From: spike66 (spike66@attbi.com)
Date: Sun Dec 15 2002 - 12:59:58 MST
I was out shopping for lead shot, not to blast
hapless beasts or even hapless flying ceramic
targets, but merely to use as a vibration damper
for the handlebar of a certain antique motorcycle
which I am still torturing into reluctant service,
much to the dismay of PETM. Filling the bar with
lead shot dampens out high frequency vibration, an
old Indian trick taught to me many years ago by
Chief Sitting Bullshit.
I went to a number of sports shops, only to learn
that one can no longer purchase lead shot. The
state of Taxifornia, being overrun by wild Gaians,
has banned lead shot. Evidently the wild ducks
and geese have been devouring the lead pellets,
causing their offspring to be born with three
bills, not unlike Blinky the fish, born just
downstream of the Springfield nuclear plant.
As an interesting sidelight, I noticed while at the
sporting goods store that paintball guns are now called
paintball markers. Evidently the wild Gaians
were not at all pleased with the notion of two-
legged devils running around in NATURE trampling
bugs and such, blasting each other with paintball
guns. Legislation was introduced to have these
devices banned, but fortunately, unfettered capitalism
came quickly galloping to the rescue and instantly
converted their entire product line from paintball
guns to paintball markers. These are tools, you see,
for marking things, such as constuction sites with
enormous splats of flourescent paint which, in a system
analogous to international sign language carry a specific
meaning to construction workers, such as "work over here."
It isn't the manufacturers fault should proles run
wild in NATURE blasting each other with their
paintball markers (which were never ever intended for
that purpose) any more than Black and Decker would
be liable if chainsaw wars were to suddenly break out
(as they already have on Mars, involving astro-marine
Duke Nukem.)
Anyway, this ad, from page 6G, San Jose Mercury News,
15 December 2002 actually says:
"EXCELLERATOR" 5.0 Electronic Paintball Marker
-LCD Display
-Improved Trigger Response
-Increased Rate of Fire
-Expansion Chamber
-Volumizer & More!
Only 199.95! (was 239.95)
A photo shows the traditional CO2 cartridge and paint-
ball ammo holder (which must have been present even in
the grossly unimproved 4.0 paintball marker (which in
those primitive unenlightened times, were actually called
paintball guns.))
A number of questions come to mind. What is electronic
about a paintball marker? What does the LCD display
actually do? Trigger response was improved over what?
Did it fail to mark before the improved 5.0 version?
Increased rate of fire? Should it not be increased
rate of mark? Expansion chamber? Is that what we
4.0 users once called a barrel? Volumizer? I am at a
complete loss for an explanation. & More? Why are they
dragging Max and Natasha into this?
Finally, it occurred to me that all this pointless debate
over gun control could be easily put to rest simply by
having all firearms renamed markers, for there are no
marker control laws. We could have fully automatic
markers, zip markers, shot markers, hot glue markers,
marker shows, son of a marker, etc. A whole new
industry would be born, just reprinting billions of
bumper stickers: They can have my marker when they
pry it from my cold dead fingers, etc.
Just think of the possibilities.
Bullets would be used only to mark things, such as
targets, old cars at the junkyard, dead criminals, etc.
It would have an international meaning, not unlike
the universally recognized figurine which symbolizes
the women's restroom, for instance. A bullet hole
would carry the universally-recognized definition:
"I shot this."
spike
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