From: spike66 (spike66@attbi.com)
Date: Thu Jun 20 2002 - 21:38:40 MDT
empresstheodora@juno.com wrote:
>Sorry, Spike, there was no mention of subsidies for the skinny.
>
>"If Americans keep adding 8lbs per decade on average, we may collapse into a
>singularity before we get through a Singularity."
>
>Statistically this trend cannot continue. There is eventually a leveling out.
>
Certainly, however the toxic-food society which we have
evolved has yet to do its worst, I fear. Consider the
explosive growth of Krispy Kreme donuts, then try
to imagine a substance more carefully crafted to pack
on the old adipose tissue.
I have a solution for SouthWorst Airlines that I think
will work better than their proposed. For those not
familiar, SouthWorst is a deep discount carrier. They
cut costs everywhere, starting with the elimination of
the traditional airline swill service, this being replaced
with a reduced staff of flight attendants who now
cheerfully toss tiny bags of peanuts at their clientele.
Nowthen, back to the original scenario, one which
boney asses like myself have suffered. SouthWorst
has no first class seats avialable, so all the rows are
three seats on either side of the venerable Booooeing
737. Assume Ralph Kramden and Jabba the Hutt
are on board, devouring three seats between their four
enormous buns. (Do giant slugs have buns?)
With 144 seats, chances are good that at least one prole
will fail to show, so usually no problem, but occasionally
everyone turns up wanting a seat. SouthWorst's proposed
solution is to charge Kramden and Hutt extra to cover
the cost of having to ask some hapless volunteer to give up
her seat and deplane. However, if such a policy were to
actually be carried out, it is easy to imagine where Kramden
might utter, upon hearing the demand for extra cash:
"...hammina hammina hammina..." and so forth, since
the entire contents of his carefully horded savings account
is 12 dollars and 37 cents. (For the culturally deprived,
see Honeymooners, episode 62.)
Likewise Hutt, upon being squeezed, simply replies,
"Sorry, I left my wallet in my other... ummm...my other..."
(Do giant slugs wear pants?)
A better solution, which would spare enormous embarrassment
and discomfort, would be to have Kramden and Hutt each
sign a waiver acknowledging their girth and the inherent
problems it causes for an honest discount airline just trying
to make filthy lucre on razor thin profit margins. This waiver
would say that should every ticket holder show up, there will
be no argument, no lawsuit, no reprehensible snivelling or whining;
Hutt must deplane. The first standby replaces him. Should
Kramden's row still fail to accommodate him and two
other passengers, he too must take the train.
Insert here standard disclaimer. I have nothing against
fat people. I laugh myself silly at pretty much everything
Jackie Gleason ever did. As for Jabba, well, I like him as
much as anyone who devours live frogs. But as for demanding
special consideration from cheapy airlines, the adiposia
abundantia must either fix it or face it. spike
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