Re: God's total quality management test

From: John M Grigg (starman125@mailcity.com)
Date: Thu Jun 15 2000 - 13:02:44 MDT


Natasha,

I got a big kick out of the "questionnaire" you shared with us. It was a little sacrilegious but then I am among Extropians here! ;) Questions one and four made me smile the most and also step back and ponder why people do things(including me).

I sent a copy to my younger brother(24) who will I'm sure really love it. And I actually TOOK the test and the results are below. Was I supposed to? :)

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
 
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
 
1. How did you find out about God?
 __ Newspaper
 __ Other Book
 __ Television
 __ Divine Inspiration
 _X_ Word of mouth
 __ Near Death Experience
 __ Tabloid
 __ Burning Shrubbery
 _X_ Bible
 __ Torah
 __ who?
 _X_ Other (specify): _Two of your employees visited me____________
 
2. Which model God did you acquire?
 __ Yahweh
 __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
 __ Jehovah
 __ Jesus
 __ Allah
 __ Satan
 __ God
 _X_ Elohim
 __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
 __ don't know what you're talking about.
 
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
 
 __ Yes _X_ No
 If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here: Catholicism
 
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
 Please check all that apply.
 _X_ Indoctrinated by parents
 __ Needed a reason to live
 _X_ Indoctrinated by society
 _X_ Needed focus in whom to despise
 __ Imaginary friend grew up
 __ Hate to think for myself
 _X_ Wanted to meet girls/boys
 _X_ Fear of death
 __ Wanted to piss off parents
 _X_ Needed a day away from work
 _X_ Desperate need for certainty
 __ Like Organ Music
 __ Need to feel Morally Superior
 __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
 __ don't know
 
5. Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were
you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
 __ Odin
 __ Cthulhu
 __ Zeus
 _X_ The Almighty Dollar
 __ Apollo
 __ Left Wing Liberalism
 __ The Radical Right
 __ Ra
 __ Barney T.B.P.D.
 __ The great Spirit
 __ The Great Pumpkin
 __ The Sun
 __ Bill Clinton
 __ Ronald Reagan
 _X_ Cindy Crawford
 __ The Moon
 __ A burning cabbage
 __ drugs
 __ Other: ________________
 
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
 __ Tarot
 __ Lottery
 __ Astrology
 _X_ Television
 __ Fortune cookies
 __ Ann Landers
 __ Psychic Friends Network
 __ Dianetics
 __ Palmistry
 __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
 _X_ Self-help books
 _X_ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll(sadly, just the third)
 __ Biorhythms
 __ Alcohol
 __ Bill Clinton
 __ Tea Leaves
 __ EST
 __ Mantras
 __ Jimmy Swaggert
 __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
 __ Human Sacrifice
 __ Pyramids
 __ Wandering around a desert
 _X_ Insurance policies
 __ Burning Shrubbery
 __ Barney T.B.P.D.
 __ Barney Fife
 __ Other:_sweepstakes____________________
 __ None
 
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
 Which would you prefer (circle one)?
 (a.) More Divine Intervention
 b. Less Divine Intervention
 c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
 d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
 
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
 a. Disasters:
    flood (1) 2 3 4 5
    famine (1) 2 3 4 5
    earthquake (1) 2 3 4 5
    war 1 2 (3) 4 5
    pestilence (1) 2 3 4 5
    plague (1) 2 3 4 5
    SPAM 1 2 (3) 4 5
    AOL 1 2 3 4 (5)
 
 b. Miracles:
    rescues 1 2 (3) 4 5
    spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 (4) 5
    stars hovering over towns (1) 2 3 4 5
    crying statues (1) 2 3 4 5
    water changing to wine 1 (2) 3 4 5
    walking on water 1 2 3 4 (5)
    VCRs that set their own clocks (1) 2 3 4 5
    Saddam Hussein still alive (1) 2 3 4 5
    getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 (5)
 
 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): Yes, what is your email address?
 
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by August 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1x10^256, depending on number of beings entered).

Send FREE Greetings for Father's Day--or any day!
Click here: http://www.whowhere.lycos.com/redirects/fathers_day.rdct



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