animal humor

updated 2003-05-20.

contents:

weasels

What really inspired me to start this page was the weasel help essay by Jacque Marshall http://www.eskimo.com/~jacquem/words/weasel.html /* was http://www.eskimo.com/~jacquem/words/weaselhelp.html */ . I first saw it attached to the end of this message: 

Date: Fri, 18 Oct 1996 06:20:07 -0700 (PDT)
From: elana <elana at aracnet.com>
To: PDX-B5 <pdx-b5 at aracnet.com>
Subject: pdx-b5: non-B5, but HILARIOUS!  :)  :)  :)

Spread this one far and wide... let all the world know the gospel of the
weasel.  ;-)

-E.

There was another copy at "Weasel Help" (defined) http://www.gdma.com/cgi-bin/lwgate/KK/archives/kk.9610/Subject/article-87.html

More Weasel News 

>Date: Thu, 19 Mar 1998 01:25:00 -0800 (PST)
>From: Robert Freitas <rfreitas at calweb.com>
>To: <d.cary at ieee.org>
>Subject: Your Website and Recent Posting

...
> Gilead Sciences also has an experimental drug for flu, which has eliminated all flu symptoms in experiments on ferrets but is still a few years away from hitting the market.
...
>Robert A. Freitas Jr.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. -- unknown

More Weasel Links

Tigers and other cats

(yawning tiger)
( David Cary took this photo at Safari Sanctuary http://safariszoo.org/ on 2002-07-27 ) 

Cat Filter

From: whitney at cs.unc.edu (Mark Whitney)
Newsgroups: comp.robotics.misc
Subject: Re: image recognition project
Date: 2 Apr 1997 13:09:49 -0500
Organization: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

In article <334224C4.3A97@onlinemagic.com>,
Nick Charnley  <nickc at onlinemagic.com> wrote:
>Could anyone tell me how I might go about trying to realise this.
>Bearing in mind that I have no experience inthis area atall.
>
>I would like to detect a moving object using a video camera and have
>that trigger an event.
>
>The details:
>Object = 		a grey cat
>My computer = 	IBM PC (running Win 95)
>Video camera = 	Sony camcorder
>External event =	to open a cat-flap (a door to let the cat in and out
>of 			the house
>
>The program would have to distinguish between two other cats;
>One being orange and the other white.  The event would only be triggered
>by the grey cat which is why I thought colour recognition might work.
>Perhaps this could also be coupled with sound recognition (cats meeiow)
>to make the process more accurate.
>



Hi,

What an interesting problem--a cat filter!

Sometimes the easiest way to detect something is to make
IT easier to detect.  Does your grey cat have a collar?
If so, maybe you could add something to make it distinctive.
Perhaps some unique black & white bands.  Then a camera with
some image processing software might have an easier time
picking him out.

Or maybe you could eliminate the camera all together.  Something
that acts like a store security tag might be useful.  They're
small and passive gadgets (no batteries) that could be attached
to Kitty's collar.  Then some tag detectors by the cat flap could
make it open when he wants to come in or out.

But if your cat won't accept a collar, then you'll definitely
have a challenge.  There are some simple ways to detect color.
You can shine different colored lights at the cat (from quite
close) and measure the intensity of reflected light for each
color.  So you'd need to experiment to determine the "spectrum"
of various cat colors.  Sounds like fun!

For example, alternately illuminate the target feline with IR, Red,
Blue, Green, and Yellow LEDs (super-bright).  Use a detector of some
sort (phototransistor or photodiode) and ADC to convert the reflections
to digital values.  Then pass those 5 values to some type of pattern
recognition device.  If the Cat has the right combination of color
components, open the flap.  If not, squirt him!  Heh-heh.

Meow,
Mark Whitney

Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. -- http://www.ar.com.au/~murphy/murphlaw.htm

other Fuzzy Objects

animal rights

Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?

No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?

The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart: 

RIGHTS                   NO RIGHTS
------                   ---------
cows                     cockroaches
cute bunnies             flies
dolphins in tuna nets    tuna in tuna nets
whales                   sharks
red squirrels            gray squirrels
owls                     loggers
harbor seals             barnacles
...

-- quoted from THE PC MANIFESTO V3.0 http://www.repairfaq.org/filipg/OPINIONS/F_Manifest.html /* was http://www.paranoia.com/~filipg/HTML/MINE/F_Manifest.html */ .

cow pictures

Cows in politics 

From: caliban at gate.net
To: spooner-l at netcom.com, sek3 at mediaone.net, christlib at swcp.com,
        wolfkin at phonetech.com
Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 00:46:42 -0500
Subject: Christlib: Web Quote: "Politics Explained" at >http://www.sjgames.com/illuminati/politics.html<
Sender: owner-christlib at swcp.com
Reply-To: <christlib at swcp.com>

Politics /I/l/l/u/m/i/n/a/t/e/d/ Explained
>http://www.sjgames.com/illuminati/politics.html<


     FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the
milk.

     PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes
them and puts them in a barn with everyone
     else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The
government gives you as much milk as you need.

     BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The
government takes them and put them in a barn
     with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens
     the government took from the chicken farmers. The government
gives you as much milk and eggs as the
     regulations say you need.

     FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both,
hires you to take care of them and sells you the
     milk.

     PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help
you take care of them, and you all share
     the milk.

     RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take
care of them, but the government takes all
     the milk.

     CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The
government takes both of them and shoots you.

     DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes
both and drafts you.

     PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors
decide who gets the milk.

     REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your
neighbors pick someone to tell you who
     gets the milk.

     BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government
regulates what you can feed them and when
     you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it
takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours
     the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.

     PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk
at a fair price or your neighbors try to take
     the cows and kill you.

     LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.

     SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires
you to take harmonica lessons.

     (Original source unknown . . . this version expanded and
Illuminated by SJ.)

--
John Fast

ENTJ/1 (or 6)     Finger me for Magic and Geek Codes
"Raise consciousness, not taxes."



Date: Wed, 9 Jul 1997 23:20:08 -0700
To: christlib [at] aracnet.com
From: cary [at] agora.rdrop.com (David Cary)
Subject: Christlib: WORLD IDEOLOGIES AS EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS

Date: Wed, 9 Jul 1997 20:36:13 -0700
Subject: cows
X-Juno-Line-Breaks: 0-107
From: hackermonk [at] juno.com (Patrick I Dyche)

> WORLD IDEOLOGIES AS EXPLAINED BY
REFERENCE TO COWS
>  > FEUDALISM
> You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the
milk.
>  > PURE SOCIALISM
> You have two cows. The government takes them
and puts them in a barn with
> everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all
the cows. The government
> gives you a glass of milk.
>  > BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
> Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the
> chickens the government took from the chicken
farmers. The government gives you
> as much milk and eggs the regulations say you
should need.
>  > FASCISM
> You have two cows. The government takes both,
hires you to take care of them,
> and sells you the milk.
>  > PURE COMMUNISM
> You share two cows with your neighbours. You
and your neighbours bicker about
> who has the most "ability" and who has the most
"need". Meanwhile, no  one
> works, no one gets any milk, and the cows die of
starvation.
>  > RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
> You have two cows. You have to take care of
them, but the government takes all
> the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can
and sell it on the black
> market.
>  > PERESTROIKA
> You have two cows. You have to take care of
them, but the Mafia takes all the
> milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and
sell it on the "free" market.
>  > CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
> You have two cows. The government takes both
and shoots you.
>  > DICTATORSHIP
> You have two cows. The government takes both
and drafts you.
>  > PURE DEMOCRACY
> You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who
gets the milk.
>  > REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
> You have two cows. Your neighbours pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
>  > BUREAUCRACY
> You have two cows. At first the government
regulates what you can feed them and
> when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them. Then it takes both,
> shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk
down the drain. Then it requires
> you to fill out forms accounting for the missing
cows.
>  > CAPITALISM
> You don't have any cows.  The bank will not lend
you money to buy cows
, because
> you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
>  > PURE ANARCHY
> You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a
fair price or your neighbours
> try to take the cows and kill you.
>  > ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
> You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
>  > SURREALISM
> You have two giraffes. The government requires
you to take harmonica lessons.
>  > OLYMPICS-ISM
> You have two cows, one American, one Chinese.
With the help of trilling violins
> and state of the art montage photography, John
Tesh narrates the moving tale of
> how the American cow overcame the agony of
growing up in a suburb with
(gasp)
> divorced parents, then mentions in passing that
the Chinese cow was beaten
> every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its
parents butchered before its
> eyes. The American cow wins the competition,
severely spraining an udder in a
> gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar
contract to endorse
> Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led  out of the
arena and shot by Chinese
> government officials, though no one ever hears
about it. McDonald's buys the
> meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing
restaurant.
>  >  >  > --- end forwarded text
>  >  > The power of being alone with earth and
skies
> Of going about a task with quietude
> Aware at once of earth's surrounding mood
> And of an insect crawling on a stone.
>  > -Vita Sackville-West, "The Land"
>  >  >  >

David Cary "http://www.rdrop.com/~cary/"
Future Tech, Unknowns, PCMCIA, digital hologram, <*> O-

http://www.bram.net/humor-archive/1997-Oct/msg00020.html (mirror) has more definitions:

Jokes about economists and economics http://netec.mcc.ac.uk/JokEc.html mentions some of these same cows...

seasonal humor

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

Ann Landers on dogs and cats

Ann Landers, http://www.creators.com/lifestyle/landers/lan.asp 1999 Sep 4 printed this (anonymous ?) essay:

What is a cat ?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a dog ?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food being opened half a block away but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

Creative Quotations from . . . Ann Landers (1918-____) born on Jul 4 http://www.bemorecreative.com/one/702.htm | http://www.ruel.net/mhome/annlanders.html

misc

http://www.vsta.com/~zmoores/unlost-1.htm strange stories about cows, cats, etc.

Animals and computers http://www.herdthinners.com/ the comic strip "Kevin and Kell" [periodical]

animal humor http://big-gyant-head.com/ka/

animal humor http://www.ecl.udel.edu/~eckman/mail/animals.html includes "what not to name your dog" "chicken physics" 

<-----> Submitted by M. Rosenblum, <rosenbl at pica.army.mil>

<-----> Submitted by R. Schaeffer, <rschae1963 at aol.com>
<-----> Subject: Very funny!

A local business was looking for office help.  They put a sign in the
window, stating the following:  "HELP WANTED.  Must be able to type,
must be good with a computer and must be bilingual.  We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside.  He looked at the receptionist and wagged
his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.  The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least.  However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into
the office.  Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the
manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you.  The sign says you have to be able
to type."  The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded
to type out a perfect letter.  He took out the page and trotted over
to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have
to be good with a computer."  The dog jumped down again and went to
the computer.  The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect
program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!  He looked at
the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog
and have some interesting abilities.  However, I *still* can't
give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his
paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity
Employer.  The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that
you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said,  "Meow!"

-- from

first posted: 1996-08-18
first put on David's 'Web site: 1998-02-16
Original Author: Jacque Marshall.
Current maintainer: David Cary.

Send comments, suggestions, bug reports to
David Cary
d.cary@ieee.org.

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